Princess bride being remade… I have thoughts

So, they’re talking about remaking Princess Bride. I have some thoughts. One, more rhyming Fezzig. Two, bring back the spider and the blue door.

Three….

The movie opens with a young girl, sick with a cold, laying on a couch, playing on her phone. Dad, played by Fred Savage, comes into living room holding a steaming bowl of chicken soup and a remote.

“How are you feeling, Buttercup?”

The girl smiles and takes the bowl, blowing on it. “Dad, stop. You haven’t called me that since I was a baby.”

Savage sits down next to her as she sits up a bit, then she snuggles into his side. He tousles her hair. “You’re still my baby. And I was thinking about it because…”

He looks at the remote, then up at the tv. Pan with his vision to a view of the tv, from the couch.

Next to the tv, large and black on the wall, is a shelf with DVDs. On the top of the shelf is a picture of Peter Falk, wearing the hat from the original movie. Among other dvds on the shelf, for the keen eyed, is the complete series of Columbo dvds, and a DVD labeled “Andre the Giant’s biggest hits.”

He sighs. “When I was your age, I had a really bad flu. My grandpa came and read me a book to make me feel better.”

Daughter looks up in concern at the hitch in Savage’s voice. “You… You don’t talk about greatgrandpa much.”

Savage smiles wryly. “I know. I should. I just… miss him so much.”

She nods

“But, Webfilms just released a movie based on the book a couple weeks back. I thought maybe we could watch it together?”

“I dunno. Is it one of those sports films, like that kid who played football?”

Savage smiles. “Yeah, it has sports. Fencing, wrestling, sailing, some parkour. Nature scenes, forests, swamps, oceans. Its got giants, miracles, torture, revenge, true love and magic.”

Daughter looks sideways. “Okay. I’ll give it a try….”

He hits a button, and the title sequence starts.

We then have several interruptions, whenever the movie departs from the original movie, or the book. We break to Savage and daughter, and he complains about some aspect, and then describes how it was in the book, while the daughter hushes him and tells him to unpause the movie.

In the opening farm boy sequence, before the “I love you” realization, we break to the daughter. “Finally, a heroine who knows how to handle dudes.”

Then, with the I love you reveal,

“Hold it, hold it! Are you trying to trick me? Is this a dumb romcom? Does the bad boy get redeemed through the power of her love?”

….

“She doesn’t get eaten by the eels.”
“What?”

“I just, you were grabbing my arm a little tight, you looked concerned.”

“DAAAD. It’s a movie. Of course the princess doesn’t get eaten by eels.”


At one point, we flip to them and Savage is on his feet yelling at the tv. Daughter is pulling his arm.

“Dad, dad! You know, I’m still really sick and you’re taking this movie very seriously. I think we better stop now.”

Savage freezes, looks down at her. “No, no, I’m okay. Sorry, let me sit down. I’m all right.”

“He can’t be dead. Dad, he’s not really dead, right? it’s a trick? ”

“You said no more spoilers.”

“Okay, but, who gets Humperdinck? Its not some lame Disney falling to his death thing, right”

“Nobody gets him. He lives at the end.”

“I swear dad, if he marries Buttercup and she redeems him through the power of her love, I’m going to scream. Why are you showing this to me!?” looks at photo of Falk, Greatgrandpa, why’d you read this to an impressionable little boy!?”

At the end, mom comes home with a sibling, calls daughter into kitchen to take her temp. Daughter looks back at Dad, “Thanks for staying with me today.”

“Anytime Buttercup. Think we should watch it with everyone tomorrow night?”

She smiles. “As you wish!” and walks out. We pan to Savage, standing in front of the TV. He puts two fingers on the base of the photo of Falk, and whispers. “As you wish.”

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